At the age of 23 I retired from everything. Now I try to get people to leave me alone and to eat the same food every day. I wrote a better autobiography somewhere about how I have mated with the eagle and the scorpion and they have both born heroic fruit and such, but I can’t find it. Anyway, it said a lot of beautiful things. Just sit back and imagine yourself reading ti and how in awe you feel. Seriously though, if I find it I’ll replace this with it. It clears up a lot of things.
Everything kind of bothers me and I hate everything so much because of it. I can usually be found sleeping or seeking some sort of breakfast. Sometimes I grow moustaches, I have a hat that says boy in metal letters on it that I only seem to wear when it’s kind of inappropriate, I cut people off in the middle of their stories and tell them I don’t care a lot, I can perform some light surgeries, I have performed what we’ll refer to as a back alley root canal in the past (later my dentist pulled that tooth out), I’m deeply suspicious of Slavs, I like science, i don’t know what a military dictatorship wouldn’t solve, I treat all people as my enemies until they give me a bunch of reasons to like them, I maintain a list of how much it would cost for me to betray each friend, updated for inflation and changing loyalties (but not ever friend is on that list — I’m not a complete shit), exactly when I should stop doing something, like writing or making fun of someone, is exactly when I kick into some sort of overdrive, probably because when I was a kid and people tried to beat me up I decided that the most important 70% of a fight occurs after the other person has been beat/gone unconscious/died/whatever and kind of just applied that sensible deterrent-building strategy willy-nilly, I tried to become immortal by killing one of each animal but gave up when i found out more about their geographical distribution, I have a tendency to commit pointless fraud. I guess there’s more. But I don’t want to give myself all away at once.
